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Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Wines and Dines all the Presidential Elephants

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! Thank you for joining me this evening at Kiawah Island Golf Resort’s Ocean Room.  I realize everyone is surprised to see one another again so soon after that grueling Charleston debate.  Governor Christie, now-now, no stink-eye stare at Dr. Carson.  Here, have some North Carolina osetra imperial caviar before you gobble […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Places Sunday School Teacher on Administrative Leave

Hear, O, Wheaton College! … Good morning, class! I’m Pastor Pillow! That’s right, little Bobby. I’m your spiritual shepherd! What does that mean? It means I’m the person your mommy and daddy write big checks to every week to maintain their platinum-level parish membership. Actually, my official title is Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries Chief Pastoral […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow, Franklin Graham and Jerry Falwell, Jr. Walk Into a Bar Mitzvah

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! Jerry, Jr., Franklin. Franklin, Jerry, Jr. I can hardly believe this is the first time the three of us have met—though of course I knew your fathers well. Sorry, Franklin, don’t want to bury your dad alongside Jerry, Sr., quite yet. But even I’ve got to admit that Billy would probably […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Keeps the Syrians Away from Baby Jesus

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! First, bless you for your interest in auditioning for this season’s Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries Live Nativity, which, as ever, features live camels and livestock—donkeys, sheep, goats, even a family of wandering hyrax—plus a laid-off construction worker and teen mother, and of course our original Frederick Hart acrylic manger.  (Not to […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Lives to See 100!

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! That’s how the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up usually starts.  Except, I’m actually the creator of the Chief Pastoral Officer of Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries. Where’s Pastor Pillow?  Doubtless he’s off ministering to the unarmed pagan French and spreading the NRA Prosperity Gospel:  “Behold, I stand at the door with a Glock!” […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Hands Out Tricks

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! Welcome to the confectionary-free confines of Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries on this great and terrible day that worshipers of Satan, that False Light & Fallen One, that Lascivious Leader of Political Progressives, call Halloween! Here, purchase one of our Fall (But Not as Far as Adam!) Creationism Celebration and Creative Witnessing […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Prays Pompously at the Fifty-Yard Line

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! So glad you could join us at the 50-yard line after tonight’s game. You strike me as a bit too lean and butterfingers to be a wide out; I’m guessing you’re a cornerback? Aha! Pastor Pillow knows his pigskin. After all, I was a swarthy tight end in the day. Don’t […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Delivers King James Version Bibles to Flood-Ravaged South Carolina

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! I’m sorry, didn’t catch your name. Hard to understand what you’re saying with that snorkel in your mouth. Then again, you might be a-prophesyin’ in the tongues of angels. Try it again. Pblpblpblpblpblpblpbl. Nope. Sorry. Well, if you don’t look like a waterlogged lost sheep standing in line at this Satanic, […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Whips Huckabee and The Donald Into Biblical Shape

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! First, I want to thank each and every one of you Republican Presidential Candidates for coming here today. Second, I suppose we should thank Brother Bear for allowing us to use his ministerial facilities for this special training session. We didn’t think it would be a good idea to attract too […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Prepares the Way of The Donald

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! Yes, let’s try that again. I’m afraid I still haven’t mastered the real estate mogul handshake. The trick is getting the shakee to feel a bit of Gordon Gekko greed in your grip, while you simultaneously use your fingers to convey a sense of trigger-happy camaraderie. Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! Better […]