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Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Pulls His Pork and Rassles Swine at the Great BBQ Exorcism

pig-wrestlingSo glad you could make it to the Cubic Zirconia Cathedral Ministries Swinery!  It’s not every Sunday we hold a BBQ Swine Roundup, Rassle & Exorcism.

I’m Pastor Pillow, of course. I’d shake your hand, save for all this mud. Oh, what the heck, you’ll be covered in it soon enough.

Say, did you bring the spit? Well, I’m afraid that’s a spittoon, actually.

What we needed was a device to spear the poor creature from mouth to anus and hang it over the barbecue pit fire after we’ve driven the demons into it, chased and secured it, then tossed it into the big plastic bucket.

Trust me, you’re not the only one who’s confused. Look over there at poor Mitsy. Just sitting there in her polka-dotted dress, no idea why her parents dropped her off and vamoosed.

First glance, sure she looks like any other 16-year-old, mild-mannered borderline personality disorder lass. Turns out the American Psychiatric Association DSM-V is a load of psychobabble hooey. Sure, Mitsy might be a seemingly harmless first flautist in the Cubic Zirconia worship band, but turns out there’s a legion of demons behind that innocent youth group facade.

Heck, she’s nothing but a Satan crash test demoniac. Why, I hear she once smoked a cigarette and considered getting naked with her boyfriend. And she has a second cousin who’s a stripper!

But enough of her corruption. The trick, of course, is figuring out how to get Mitsy and Chili—that’s the pig—into the giant plastic bucket at the same time. Are you familiar with the Bump app? If we could just get Mitsy into contact with Chili, the demons would transfer on over—I think. Mind you, we don’t need them to make out; any simple skin-to-skin contact will do.

Well, that’s a good question. No, I don’t think the demons will transfer to us when we eat the barbecued pig. Where do the demons go? I’m not quite sure, maybe into the hooves? We should probably consult an expert. Let me get one of the demonology faculty from Oral Roberts University on the line.

In the meantime, here, have a crispy snoot and please open your hymnal to No. 3.

You well heeled big wheel, ha ha, charade you are
And when your hand is on your heart
You’re nearly a good laugh
Almost a joker
With your head down in the pig bin

Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!

5. Wisconsin Catholics Beat the Meat, over at CatholicOnline: “Catholic Parish Accused of Animal Cruelty, Remains Silent”

With the world on the verge of a hemorrhagic fever epidemic, and with fundamentalist groups like ISIS hell-bent on establishing the Decapitation Caliphate, let us instead turn our attention to the sleepy village of Hortonville, Wisconsin, where this very Sabbath Day Outagamie County Catholics are preparing to invoke the depths of diabolical darkness by…wrestling pigs.

I shouldn’t jest. Posts to the Global Conservation Group’s “Protest Wisconsin Pig Fighting” Facebook page include pleas from the likes of Barbara Bernstein-Perrucci of Ft. Lauderdale to dial up Pope Francis directly: “FOCUS! CALL! if no one does, I’ve [sic] lost respect for everyone who’s crying and moaning. Please.”

Animal rights groups are clearly up in hooves over the matter, yet St. Patrick Parish-Stephensville staff members remain too hogtied to respond. (Or maybe they’re just out back grilling Johnsonville brats.) Catholic Online hasn’t even been able to squeeze answers from the nearby Green Bay diocese—which probably hasn’t ever fielded this many media inquiries during a Packers offseason.

The St. Patrick Parish-Stephensville website claims that “consideration is taken to ensure that the pigs are safe and free from any abuse.”

That said, the Examiner claims that following the event all participant pigs will be slaughtered.

To be honest, I’m not sure what to think—though I confess my bias as I’m presently eating a BLT. So how about I put down my thick slice applewood bacon sandwich and do a little research?

Holy porcine, Batman! Turns out that greased pig contests are actually illegal in the neighboring state of Minnesota—and have been since before I was even born!

So, while I remain unclear as to Super Pope’s doctrinal position on the Roundup Pig Rassle, I’m going to trust my native Minnesotan legislators on this one:

THOU SHALT NOT RASSLE PIGS.

Then again, Jesus did send a legion of demons into a herd of pigs and drive them into a lake to drown.

Ah, porcine theodicy.

4. Meanwhile, Humanity Butchers Itself in God’s Name, via CBN News: US Begins Carrying Out Airstrikes against Islamic State”

So President Obama himself has confirmed that ISIS, the Islamic caliphate wannabes who are starting to make the Nazis looks like decent blokes, has called for the “systematic destruction of the entire Yazidi people…”

Hmm. I think I’ve seen this film before: Wanton Genocide, Part CIX.

All of this is a bit more harsh than pig wrestling. And here is where all jokes end:

“Meanwhile in Baghdad, as the president mentioned, it was the tearful plea of one Yazidi lawmaker, Vian Dakheel, that inspired U.S. action.  ‘We are being killed. We are being butchered. A whole religion is being wiped out from the earth!’ Dakheel said. ‘Our families have been slaughtered!’”

Who are the Yazidi? They are an ancient ethno-religious group, mainly indigenous to northern Iraq, whose religious customs and beliefs somewhat resemble Zoroastrianism.

There are probably at most a half-million Yazidi left on our planet. Yet tens of thousands of Yazidi have recently been kidnapped and driven by ISIS “extremists” into mountainous regions where it’s nearly impossible to survive. (I hate that word “extremists,” by the way; it’s not nearly descriptive enough. How about, simply, “barbarians”?)

It never ceases to amaze me when human beings destroy the lives of other human beings in the name of a Divine Creator.

Yes, please do explain how Allah sits back and approves all of this bloodshed and mayhem in his name—any more than the Holy Trinity did in 1204 C.E. when European Christians rolled into Constantinople and raided, raped and murdered their fellow Orthodox neighbors on the way to “liberating” the Holy Land.

Hmm. Maybe Gene Rodenberry was right.

3. Meet the Dehumanizing Editors of Christianity Today!

I remain upset about this article that Christianity Today ran a few weeks back: “Three Views: Would Jesus Hang Out in a Strip Club?”

The article was obvious in its click-bait nature—clearly targeted toward middle-aged Evangelical readers seeking late-night theological titillation. However, to my mind, the article also seriously ventured into theologically blasphemous territory.

The question is inane. Orthodox (small “o”) Christianity holds that Jesus is God. If I were Creator of the Universe, I imagine that I would be as comfortable hanging out in an elephant’s anus as I would be in some spectacular nebula in the Sombrero Galaxy—let alone a strip club.

Yeah, I just wrote that. You see, there is no profane space as far as God is concerned. No Divine Black Hole exists. And in Christian theology, even those who choose to reject God cannot separate themselves from his omnipresence.

So why posit whether Jesus might be found lounging in the champagne room of your nearest Déjà Vu Showgirls club? Where Would Jesus Hang (WWJH?) questions are pointless.

So, going forward, any time I see one of these ministerially wasteful articles, I will hold a mirror up to them.

Not only do I continue to ask: “Would Jesus Write for ‘Christianity Today’”? But let’s turn the tables on the Christianity Today masthead. Just how spiritually superior is the CT Managing Editor of News & Online Journalism compared to a single mom exotic dancer struggling to get by? Should we find three theologians willing to debate whether, given his fallen, sinful nature, Jesus would dare “hang out” with him?

2. The Lap Dance Crusade, over at Christian Post: Topless Strippers to Protest in Front of Ohio Church; Strip Club Owner Says Congregants ‘Don’t Go Away,’ Harass Patrons”

Speak of the devil in 6-inch heels…

Welcome to the Great Strip Standoff in Warsaw, Ohio, between Fox Hole strip club and New Beginning Ministries. I’m telling you, folks, not even Carl Hiaasen could have dreamed this one up.

Can any readers verify Christian Post’s claim that in the great state of Ohio it is perfectly legal for a woman to expose her breasts in public to someone on his or her way to Sunday School?

And out of curiosity, Pastor Bill Dunfee, what exactly is it about the Fox Hole that compels you to commit your congregational troops down to the Fox Hole parking for routine protests?

I’m not suggesting that strip clubs are the equivalent of St. Patrick’s Cathedral. I’m just not sure what is accomplished by invading one legitimate workplace over another. Yes, people take off their clothes at the Fox Hole, of their own free volition, and are paid to do so. But why aren’t you sending parishioners to the nearest Save-A-Lot or Kmart and offering their minimum wage workers assistance for “housing, food and money for their personal bills”?

Or is it possible that “ministering to strippers” is uniquely enticing in and of itself.

1. Finally, Proof that Canadians are Philistine Thespians, over at Gospel Herals: “Canada’s Tallest Man Will Play Goliath in New Faith-Based Movie ‘David and Goliath’”

We have entered a new era of “faith-based films.” But this next one stands to be much bigger than even Darren Aronofsky’s $300 million-plus blockbuster Noah. Well, taller at least. About 7’8” and 450 pounds, thanks to Canadian Jerry Sokoloski’s embodiment of the infamous Philistine villain in director Tim Chey’s forthcoming David and Goliath.

Still, I don’t think any Davidic vehicle could surpass the greatness of Richard Gere’s 1985 epic, King David. Then again, maybe I just can’t get it out of my head that Alice Krige, who played Bathsheba in that film, was also the Borg Queen in Star Trek: First Contact.

And there’s always Orson Welles’ 1960 Italian version, David e Golia, in which Welles doubled not only as King Saul, but his stomach as the mighty Goliath.

At any rate, I’m just waiting for someone to come along and shoot the faith-based epic short film, Onan & the Fallen Seed. Where is John Holmes when you need him?

As that great porker once said: that’s all, folks!

Please open your hymnals to No. 109.

It’s you and me
This love will open our world
From the dark side we can see a glow of something bright
There’s much more than we see here
Don’t burn the day away
Is this not enough
This blessed sip of life

Progressives, the November Elections are just around the corner: this many days away!

And one-third of your fellow countrymen heading to the polls are fundamentalists who think that it’s better to beat your bacon and picket strip clubs than stand up to billionaire greed.

You and they will be voting for the following political offices:

—All 435 seats of the U.S. House of Representatives
—33 seats in the U.S. Senate
—46 State Legislatures
—And 38 State and Territorial Governorships.

Remember: A Progressive Vote is a vote for Civilization.

Also, check out The Golden Rule for a bit of spiritual supplement throughout your day.


About Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. His education background includes archaeology, ancient languages and biblical studies. His foremost writing interests include religion, unraveling theodicy and trying to understand why voters commonly vote against their own self-interest. People give him hippos for some reason.
Visit Arik’s website, Viking Word. You can also follow him on Twitter @arikbjorn and on Facebook as well. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!

  • Pipercat

    Second cousin and half sister!

  • Arik Bjorn

    My article was removed today from a popular social media community page for referring to people from Wisconsin as Cheeseheads in a preface I wrote for the article on that page. I was reprimanded and told that this is akin to calling a Muslim a “Towelhead.” #facepalm

    • Bethie41

      Don’t they call themselves Cheeseheads? And, what’s with those cheeseheads they wear?

    • Pipercat

      Where’s Lambeau Field again?

      • Arik Bjorn

        Tobruk, maybe?

      • Pipercat

        All of the sudden, I had this vision of Richard Burton screaming, “GET ON THAT BLOODY BOAT!”

        Strange!