Welcome to Dyersville, Iowa, in Dubuque County! Also known the world over as Field of Dreams! And, thanks to a generous Third Offering during last Sunday’s Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries morning service, this little stretch of wintry, shucked Iowan cornfield now belongs to me—I mean, our ministry, by way of the grace of the Holy Spirit, of course.
You’ve arrived at the perfect time. We’ve turned ye ole fantastical baseball diamond into an Evangelical Succor Caucus. I like to joke that unless your name is Ivana or Melania, this is the only place you can get to third base with Donald Trump. No, seriously, where else can you Cruz into second with a line drive into the Medicare gap? The hits just keep on coming. Heh.
Anyway, I’ll be your Succor Caucus captain this evening. Now, ours is a little different than most other Iowa caucuses. I’m the precinct captain for all the candidates. Trust me, though, it makes the entire process much easier. You only have to select me, and Jehovah-Primary will provide me with the name of the anointed Kingdom Candidate.
Before we proceed, let us open with a nonsectarian prayer: O, Jesus, Son of God, the only God in Heaven upon whom men anywhere can call—and let me be clear that those who call upon the name of all other gods, or even the Random Chance of Richard Dawkins, are headed straight to the eternal lava lake and clearly not worthy of teaching at Wheaton College. Where was I? Oh yes: O, most Holy Trinity, the officially trademarked deity of Christendom, we do offer up to you the efforts of this Republican Succor Caucus. Lead us down the Ayn Randian path to Gordon Gekko heavenly mansions. Amen.
Now, just head on over to home plate. For a mere $1,499, you can enjoy our amazing buffet plus become a lifetime Palladium Plate CZC Ministries member. It’s worth it for Chris Christie’s corn kernel chili alone—it’ll tickle your colon for days. Oh, you can’t stay? I see, you’re one of those caucus ghosters. Well, if you have to go, you have to go. But that means you won’t even have a chance to enjoy Marco Rubio’s ambrosia salad.
Who is the winner of the CZC Ministries Evangelical Succor Caucus, you ask? Well, I know it’s a bit out of left field, but I think you can expect to hear yours truly at the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland. For I feel the anointing coming on—the prophetic political mantle of the Most High.
Amen and amen, I do believe that President Pillow will suit me just fine.
Please open your hymnals to No. 29.
Well I’m known near and far as the cousin to the czar
I’m the Duke, Duke of Dubuque
It’s well understood that my credit is no good no good, no good
I’m the Duke of Dubuque
Every day, the Christian Right Media makes a financial killing reporting news with an outlandish slant to millions of Christian fundamentalists across the Fruited Plain. According to Forbes, the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) alone brings in nearly $300 million in annual revenue. Yet CBN is a mere bright star in a galaxy of hundreds of Christian Right Media organizations that put even Fox News to shame.
Here are five articles from the Christian Right Media over the past week that remind progressives of the critical need to show up at the polls on Tuesday, November 8, 2016, if ever we are to right the Good Ship Civilization:
5. Seven Tips for Christians Who Want to Caucus in Iowa via Charisma News
“Whether you’re going to caucus for Ted Cruz, or another presidential candidate, if you’re a Christian, there are some things you should keep in mind before you leave for your precinct meeting.”
For once, Charisma News is right! And here are the “things” one should keep in mind: Ted Cruz is an antichrist, as are most of the other Republican Presidential Candidates. Also, at this point, the Republican Party platform is all but anathema to the Christian mandates of social justice. Thus, we recommend Iowan Christians Vote for Bernie! (Heck, we even recommend that Iowans who worship Allah, Yahweh, Ganesh and Baphomet vote for Bernie.)
Iowans should also be aware that Charisma News is directly encouraging Christians to proselytize during the Iowa caucuses.
4. Why Donald Trump Threatens to Trump the Gospel and Most Pastors Aren’t Voting Trump as Primaries Approach over at Christianity Today
Wow. Just wow. Almost 40% of Protestant pastors who identify as Republican remain undecided in their primary vote. Could it be because Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Marco Rubio, Donald Trump and all the rest wouldn’t know a Sermon on the Mount if it bit them on their Balaam’s ass?
That said, Mark Galli, editor of Christianity Today, perhaps the most widely read of all Christian Right Media publications, writes:
Our most radical political act happens when we gather and worship together under the sign of the Cross.
Nothing could be further from the Way, the Truth & the Life, Mr. Galli. The “most radical political act” of any religion adherent happens when one casts one’s vote for candidates who are committed to Social Justice, and when voters engage in Social Justice. Period.
3. Government Leader Cuts Off Pastor Trying to Pray In Jesus’ Name at Charisma News
Good. I don’t really think it’s necessary to invoke the “blood of Christ” to Ohio’s Republican-controlled legislative body. Ohio has enough blood on its hands already.
That said, Charisma News didn’t even post the correct video referenced in the article. It instead posted a video from the January 27, 2016, Ohio General Assembly session (rather than the January 26 session), in which Pastor Steve Rauch of Pleasant Chapel Church of God led an equally bloviating prayer that went so far as to hawk one of the bills about to be considered.
By the way, you might be interested to learn that in 1983, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in Marsh v. Chambers that it is legal for legislative sessions to be opened with prayer. Hmm. I’m curious how often Ohio invites any imams or rabbis or pujas to the Speaker’s lectern?
2. Evangelical Christian College President Refuses to Invite Trump to Speak over at Christian Post
FINALLY! There is at least one Evangelical leader in our country willing to state that “Donald Trump simply doesn’t represent [our] behavioral, theological, moral or political ideals.” Thank you, President Everett Piper of Oklahoma Wesleyan University.
As we’ve said before, we’re willing to break Godwin’s Law when it comes to Donald Trump. He is a dictator waiting in the wings. He is evil. And his shallow policies are barbaric. Any Christian who casts a primary vote for Donald Trump should have their toes teased with sulfur.
1. How The Iowa Democratic Caucus Works, Featuring Legos via YouTube
I confess: this video has nothing to do with religion, except that I’m pretty sure even God plays with Legos. (Imagine what the Divine Lego Crab Nebula looks like.)
The Iowa caucuses still might not make perfect sense to you when you’re done watching this video, but at least you’ll see Yoda and Gimli casting their votes. (I’m pretty sure Lego Darth Vader was a Donald Trump caucus captain.)
Special thanks to Taylor Dobbs & Angela Evancie of Vermont Public Radio for putting this little video together.
That’s a wrap!
Pastor Pillow now makes national radio guest appearances on The Horn: The Head On Radio Network. Click to hear Pastor Pillow’s October 14, November 11 and December 9 tent revival segments with Brother Bob Kincaid. Pastor Pillow’s next Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday is February 3 at 6 p.m. ET. Mark your calendars and tune in!
Also, Human Beings Everywhere: Follow The Golden Rule.
Copyright 2016 Forward Progressives
Latest posts by Arik Bjorn (see all)
- An Open Letter to the Democratic National Committee from 4 South Carolina Congressional Candidates - January 11, 2017
- An Open Statement to South Carolina’s Nine Presidential Electors - December 18, 2016
- There’s a Better Way: Infrastructure Investment Paves the Way for Prosperity - October 22, 2016